Come Come Kakashi!
by TriggerHappy Maniac
Summary: When Iruka sensei was fatally wounded, Tsunade had to carry out the dangerous Combination no Jutsu to save him. But wait! Who is this new, sexy shinobi that Kakashi is falling for! A Comedy Tragedy.
1. Chapter 1

Come Come Kakashi!

Chapter 1: Tragedy and Comedy ------------------

_And I'll try, to fix you._

---------------------- _Fix You_ by Coldplay

The ANBU ninjas had gagged when they had found him.

His right lung was missing, along with his entire right side, cauterized by the heat of the charkra blow that destroyed it. His skin was blacken and flayed from his body, blood seeping through the agonizing cracks that revealed raw skin.

The body of the female enemy Shinobi lay only a few paces away, part of her head utterly destroyed by his final blow as she stood gloating over his tortured form.

He could hear them as they approached, despite the blindingly white agony that consumed his senses. Their pity for this corpse on the floor radiated off them in waves.

"_Kuso!_" One of them cursed. "That's another one of ours!"

A presence knelt close to his form and lay a gloved hand on his haite-ite. "Chakra torching." There was a silence.

"Another one for Konoha." Said a low voice. "See that female Sound nin? At least he completed his mission. May your soul rest in peace, brother." The presence moved away and snapped to the rest, " Clear the area! Burn the bodies!"

Despite the pain, the animal desire to survive surged once more in his mind, he could feel hands placing the flame tags along the length of his body. Struggling to make a sound, a cool hand tugging off his haite-ite paused.

Forcing the words past his raw and burning throat, he managed, " …wa…it… I'm…alive…" The troops in the clearing froze in shock that the sound. The ANBU rushed to his body, clamouring.

"_He's still alive! He's still alive! Get him back to the Village at once! Go! Go!_"

As he felt his body being lifted and spirited away, Umino Iruka felt his conciousness fade away.

He thought, _This might be a good way to go…_

-------------------------------------------------

Tsunade paced as she awaited the news of the missing Miu team members she had sent after the skirmishing Sound nins. She bit a nail in anxiety. _Oh God… please let them be alright…_

After the attack on the village, there were less Shinobi than before, forcing her to send even the nins that manned the report rooms and the Konoha Academy. She thought to her predecessor, the Sandaime, _Old man, you sure handed me a can full of worms._

Looking out the window, she spotted two ANBU members speeding through the streets with a makeshift stretcher between them. With a sinking feeling in her stomach, she leapt off the balcony.

Meeting them in the middle of the street, Tsunade ran alongside them as they rushed to the entrance of the Konoha Hospital. She barked at one of them. "Report!"

The masked soldier panted as he continued to run, "Miu team destroyed except one survivor! Sound Shinobi have been disabled before reaching the border!"

The Hokage cursed. "Take the survivor to the operating theatre at once!"

---------------------------------

Even as experienced as she was, once the cloth protecting the burned survivor was pulled away, she winced. _Third degree Chakra burns…Right torso missing….the torched limbs are useless…this man is not going to survive._

"Continue pouring Chakra into him." She told the Shinobi healers. The blackened lids of the man fluttered open and eyes tried to focus on her.

"Ho…Hokage-sama?" A familiar voice. Tsunade's head snapped towards his face.

"_Iruka-sensei!_"

"Hai…" There was a violent bout of coughing as Iruka writhed, blood coming to his lips. He tried to smile, but the flesh on his face refused to cooperate. The smell of burned skin permeated the room. "Hokage-sama… I don't think I'll make it."

She nearly shouted at the man, "Don't you dare say that! You're not going to die!"

He really tried to chuckle, but failed, pain filling his senses. "You can't save me…"

Tsunade wanted to strike him there and then, but then the beeping of the heart rate monitors speeded up, showing accelerated heart rhythm. _He's right, he doesn't have much time left, _her thoughts told her.

A Healer at her elbow informed her. "Hokage-sama, the ANBU team brought back the bodies of the team and the enemy Shinobi. We can do an organ transplant."

Tsunade shook her head, irritated, " No, that won't work! His body is too damaged…" She stopped herself. "Or can we…?"

She spun round and pounded the table beside Iruka's head. "Sorry Iruka-sensei, you can't tell your Hokage what she can or cannot do! You bastard, I am going to save you, you hear me!"

The beeping began to slow dangerously.

"I'm going to do the _Combination no Jutsu_!"

-----------------------

Kakashi had stopped Team Seven's training abruptly in the training grounds. The Jounin sniffed the air, turning towards the Village. "The ANBU recovery team is back."

The trio looked at him, concerned. Naruto had piped up, "Ne, Kakashi-sensei, how about Iruka-sensei's team?"

There was a silence before their teacher replied. "I smell burnt human flesh." Naruto gave a wild, desperate yell and dashed off in the direction of the Village, with Sakura and Sasuke close on his tail.

_Nightmares should not happen during the day. Especially not on a beautiful morning!_ Naruto sped through the streets towards the hospital. _Iruka-sensei!_ He thought. _Please be alive. _Kakashi said nothing as he kept pace with his team. On the main street, they met the returning ANBU team.

The street was eerily silent as the animal-masked men paced towards the morgue. Naruto skidded to a halt in front of the procession of men, carrying sheet-covered bodies. The leading ANBU looked up.

Naruto's voice was filled with fear and dread as he asked, "ANBU-sama, what happened to the team?"

The man's eyes glittered from behind his mask. "Gone."

Kakashi spoke up from behind Naruto. "No survivors?"

The head turned. "Only one. I doubt he'll make it."

The blond boy's face grew ashen as he spoke even softer. "How about Iruka-sensei? Is he the survivor?"

The man's tone was clipped, "I don't know." He drew a burnt haite-ite out of his pocket. "Here, this belongs to the survivor." Naruto took it, trembling, from the man's hand. It was a standard issue headband, with no distinguishing marks whatsoever. He raised it to his nose and almost gagged at the stench of burnt flesh on it. A sense of loss began searing down his spine, a weakening tingling that spread to his extremities. He choked back a dry sob.

Kakashi placed a hand on the boy's shoulder, surprised when the kid spun round at his touch and clung to his middle. The Jounin could feel hot tears seeping though his vest. He nodded at the ANBU leader, who continued on with the grim procession of carrying the dead.

Sakura burst into tears as she hugged her sensei and Naruto. He patted them both on the head as they clung to him, murmuring softly. "Yare, yare…" He sighed. It was the life of a Shinobi that they had been born into.

Sasuke simply stood and watched the last ANBU disappear.

--------------------------------------

Three days passed…

_Come Come Paradise! Chapter 47_

"_The sleek dark form of Kokoro slid like a panther through the inky darkness of the night. Saving the village of Uruha once more from it ravening enemies, he moved gallantly over the rooftops, marveling at the peacefulness of the slumbering town, quiet in its blessed ignorance of it deadly protector. _

"_The handsome Shinobi paused, his muscled frame heaving slightly from his exertion, resting slightly against the tiled roof of a mansion. He took in the open courtyard and the dark quarters as he pulled his silk mask down, the mask of the feared and infamous White Fire Dragon, the night-vigilante and assassin, deathly loyal to the powerful clan of Fire Leaves. _

_"Never would anyone suspect such a fearsome man would have such an exquisitely sculpted face, almost perfect for its hard masculine lines, visually delicious and sensuous lips, glittering ice-blue eyes that spoke nothing of his emotions yet could convey the most heat-rending of truths… This was the face that he revealed only to the moon._

_"As if hearing his actions, the cold bright moon slipped out from behind her dark cloud, casting her white winter light on the figure of the White Fire Dragon, caressing his muscled form. Kokoro relaxed in this rare moment, feeling the cold air on his face. In such desolation, thoughts of his murdered childhood companion rose unbidden to his mind. Alone… He was all alone. No affection of women could comfort his pain, nor could the pride of being the strongest ninja in his village comfort the hard, diamond fact that he had failed to save his friend._

_"He sucked is the harsh dry air, knowing that he must be a man, an emotionless Shinobi, and such regrets were not for him—_

_"Suddenly he sensed that someone was watching him. Spinning round and casting a kunai with split-second precision, he hid his handsome face once more. His hawk-like eyes he darted phantom-like to an open window._

_"There, with her ample bosom heaving like heavenly orbs, lay a woman, nay, the most sensual nymph, collapsed to the floor in fright. The kunai lay embedded between two fingers, one bleeding every slightly. _

_Kokoro took in a rare startled breath, she was utterly beautiful! Long silky brown tresses cascaded down her pale bare shoulders, exposed by her loose sleeping robe. Her curvaceous body was sexily defined by her linen clothes, leaving little to be imagined if she were to be unclothed._

_" Frightened clear brown eyes stared at him in fear and shock at this handsome and muscled intruder, a porcelain face with a small mouth; it called to the core to his very being made his blood, oh yes his blood, boil in his veins._

_"He bent down slowly, showing that he meant no harm. Pulling his mask down, he raised one of her bleeding fingers to his lips and sucked at it. The woman opened her mouth as to scream and struck him hard on his sculpted face._

_"He lunged forward, pressing his hand against her mouth, crushing her body under his. He could feel her breasts against his muscled chest, her soft body open below him. Kokoro realized belatedly that her legs were open and he was pressing rather ungentlemanly between them. An important aspect of him stiffened quite undeniably. Luckily his steely Shinobi discipline intervened._

_"She bit his hand sharply and hissed as he pulled it away, "You're one of those rebel men that Father-sama warned me against! You filthy bastard! You may desecrate the body of a proud daughter of the Uruha and take her pure life but my father will catch you and make you wish you were in Hell!" She stared defiantly at the darkened face above her, unable to discern his features._

_""You are wrong, beautiful milady" said the Shinobi regretfully, "I am too honourable to break the spirit of one so pure. Your purity would torture the desiring in a fate worse than Hell itself." He released her somewhat reluctantly, her warmth making him slightly weak at the knees._

_""You brazen barbarian, you have no idea what hell is!"_

_ "I am not a rebel, nor do I mean you harm. I apologise for coming into your boudoir, as I thought an enemy was watching me from the roof." He stood and bowed respectfully. "I will leave now."_

_""She stared at him in wonderment as he pulled his silk mask over his face, she had never seen such a face before, beautiful and rugged in its contours, a face with the stunning body pressed so intimately against her most private portion of her body. Regret crept into her mind; she wished so much for a person like this, someone so very different from her arranged fiancé, who was a pale rich slob. She cried out "Wait!"_

_"But he was already gone._

_"As he escaped from the mansion, Kokoro could not wipe from his mind the feeling of her soft flesh against his hand, her beautiful eyes and her huge, soft heaving bosom. Her musky smell clung to his Shinobi uniform, reminding him of her warm presence as he sped through the cold night. Already he regretted leaving her. But somewhere deep inside, he knew that he could not fall in love with her. To love was to bring disaster and death to the lover and loved. How he hated what he was sometimes! A Shinobi that could not love! _

_"Unbeknownst to him, it was his very thoughts that began to bind his heart and lust to that mysterious woman that he met, a significant stranger, spiraling him into a trap that no man could evade._

_ "But such a love was never to be! The woman of his ardour was of the Uruha family, the daughter of Uruha Saito! A governor of Uruha town, a man who was considered the most dangerous enemy to Kokoro's clan, the man who waged war against the Fire Leaf village so many years before…"_

_To Be Continued…_

_Coming next Month! The Exclusive New Book of the Come Come Series! "Come Come Violence!"_

Hatake Kakashi shut the book with a sigh. He finally finished his favourite book of the Come Come series so far, reading as slowly as possible, limiting himself to a chapter a day. How he hated a cliff hanger. And that woman sounded so damned sexy too! He sighed against, falling back against the roof of his apartment, where his read his dubious literature by moonlight.

He liked the series not only because of it near pornographic narrative, but because the main character was so similar to _himself_. He wondered if women would fall for him if he showed his face without the mask once in a while… The moon came out from behind a passing cloud, illuminating the warm summer sky.

He could see the lights of the village from up here, high up where the wind blew quite strongly. It was already the early hours of the morning and there were few people walking the streets of the Hidden Leaf Village.

Squinting a little he spotted Tsunade-sama walk out of the shinobi Hospital, accompanied by a figure swathed in dark, shapeless clothes. The pair walked quietly as Kakashi looked on, curiosity piqued, darting closer to eavesdrop.

"— Combination operation has gone quite smoothly, in my opinion." Tsunade's voice was serious. "I'm sorry that you had to undergo the experimental operation, your injuries were just too serious."

_Combination operation? Experimental?_ Thought Kakashi.

"No, no, it's quite alright Hokage-sama. It had to be done. If it wasn't for your experimental operation, I'd already be dead. Thank you so much for your care and concern for the last few days." The person in disguise replied so softly that the Jounin had trouble discerning its gender.

Tsunade smiled wryly. "Not many people can forgive something as serious as this like you. Now, you make it sound as it I did you a favour."

"I'm glad to be alive, that's all." There was a pause. "I'm just worried about how Naruto will react to this."

_So this person knows Naruto, eh? What does he have to do with the kid?_

Tsunade hardly looked distressed. "As much as he knows, Iruka-sensei might as well be dead. All he knows is that his favourite teacher …has been attacked…"

Kakashi stared down at the pair in shock. _Iruka-sensei was dead? Oh no! Naruto! His precious Iruka-sensei dead!_

"How is he, Hokage-sama?"

"He spent the last three days hanging outside the hospital like a heartsick puppy. The nurses refused to tell him anything. You know he hasn't been eating at all."

"Poor boy, I wish there was some other way…than this. How about the children at the Academy? I don't know how I can face anyone anymore—"

Tsuanade cut in "I know for one that Naruto would still love you and regard you highly, despite your form now. He'll understand if you told him."

"I hope, Hokage–sama.

"Hope is good. Now, I want you to take good care of your body, eat well and rest well. It should display the combined physical ability of your old body and the dead one, though I expect the mind should be your own."

"Thank you, Hokage-sama." The figure bowed low.

"Good night. And take care of yourself."

"I will, Hokage-sama."

The figure made it up the fire escape of an apartment block and went in. Kakashi nimbly leapt to the block opposite as the person opened a window. The moonlight cast a rectangle of light on the floor of the apartment.

The robed figure began to strip off the shapeless clothes, revealing a form swathed with bandages.

Deep down inside, the Inner Kakashi berated him for indulging in such peeping-tom activities when someone he knew just died. Poor Iruka-sensei, poor Naruto… It was time for that boy to learn the tragedies of life.

_Now then_, he debated furiously with his consciously guilty side, _this is information gathering after all, so it is all fine and legal to spy on perfectly naked people._

Kakashi smiled, he was _such_ a pervert. Sticking his copy of Come Come Paradise in his back pocket, he crouched lower behind the roof wall, peering down at his target.

His breath caught in his throat as the bandages unraveled, revealing a gorgeous female form. Stunned, he grabbed his book out of his back pocket in disbelief, flipping quickly to the last chapter. He read: _There, with her ample bosom heaving like heavenly orbs, lay a woman, nay, the most sensual nymph, collapsed to the floor in fright. The kunai lay embedded between two fingers, one bleeding every slightly. Kokoro took in a rare startled breath, she was utterly beautiful! Long silky brown tresses cascaded down her pale bare shoulders, exposed by her loose sleeping robe. Her curvaceous body was sexily defined by her linen clothes, leaving little to be imagined if she were to be unclothed._

" _Frightened clear brown eyes stared at him in fear and shock at this handsome and muscled intruder, a porcelain face with a small mouth; it called to the core to his very being made his blood, oh yes his blood, boil in his veins_

He couldn't believe his eyes! The woman was exactly the same as Kokoro's love interest in the last chapter! He stared down at the figure again; she was examining her body, feeling her breasts in wonder. The silken brown tresses cascaded down ivory-white shoulders.

Kakashi felt his pulse race, _oh my, I never thought I'll see a woman do that. _He looked above at the black sky and uttered a word of thanks. "Oh thank you Kami-sama! She is one SEXY babe!"

The woman spun round and flung a kunai to where Kakashi's head was a moment earlier, his reflexes causing him to vanish to a safer spot. "Who's there?" She called out suspiciously. There was no reply. Kakashi grinned elatedly as he scooted back to his own roof. _She even has the fierce defiance too! I like that in a lady!_

Thinking that he must be paranoid, Iruka turned back to examining his, or now, her new body.

A/N: Hahaha! This idea just popped into my head! I spent the last three hours writing this. I hope you liked reading it. I meant for Come Come Paradise to be a ridiculously perverse and melodramatic, like a good trashy romance novel. 


	2. Chapter 2

Come Come Kakashi!

Chapter 2: Insult to Manhood

_I can't be that man you want me to be._

-------------------_Fastball: All the Pain Money Can Buy_

When Umino Iruka woke up in the morning, he thought nothing of getting ready for lessons, dressed and on with his normal life.

He brushed his teeth, as usual, still too asleep to register thought. He toweled off the water on his face. Yes, everything was perfectly and utterly normal.

Or, at least, every thing was perfectly normal, until he tried pulling down his pants to do the …um morning routine standing.

Therein all hopes of a normal routine were shattered.

Iruka, being the ever-polite, courteous young man that he was, refused to give in to the primal urge to scream something far too similar to the phrase _plucking-bell_, opting instead for the peaceful option of sitting on the mattress, head clutched in utter, utter despair. Really, he didn't believe the situation warranted a good swear. Yet.

"Oh dear." Murmured Umino Iruka, into his unfamiliarly pale, tapered hands, with the vehemence of a man cursing the gods, mortals and every bastard in between, "_oh_ _dear_."

He remained that way for a while, mental cogs grinding. Suddenly shooting up, he staunchly refused to be dismayed any further by a mere change in sex, determined to face this… this _situation_ like a _man_…or a woman…or a man. Oh _freaking_ dear.

Taking the telephone directory in one hand and the cordless phone in the other, be began to dial…

Kurenai answered the phone in a rushed, disheveled state. "What do you want?" Her tone threatened brusque violence. Iruka blinked.

"Ah, Kurenai-san, this is Umino Iruka."

Her anger abated at the thought of the friendly sensei that managed the mission desk. But _still_, her beauty sleep! Kurenai growled, "What do you want?"

"I, um, have a little problem I hope you can help me with."

Confronted with a possibly-lewd preposition, though no less flattering, Kurenai held the receiver as close as she could to her mouth. "UMINO, YOU SICK LITTLE BASTARD! WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING AT," she took a quick look at her wrist, "—SIX IN THE BLOODY MORNING MAKING _FILTHY DISGUSTING_—"

Her neighbour thumped on the ceiling, cutting off her diatribe. A muffled voice yelled, "_Would you keep it down!_"

"Ah! Gomen nasai, Kurenai-sama, I didn't mean for it to sound that way! I meant, I really need your help!"

She stopped, suspicious. "Why me? I don't even know you that well! I just see you at the mission desk everyday!"

"_Please_! Kurenai-san!" The note of desperation in the man's voice softened her ire. "You're the only one I know who can help! I don't know any other women!"

She gave in. "Fine." There was a pause. " But just so you know, if you dare try anything, I am capable of 8th level torture practices along with 'S'-level Genjutsu, not forgetting that I'm a full-fledged Jounin with enough experience to twist your head and stuff it where the sun don't shine."

There was a wise hesitance on the other end of the line. "Hai, Kurenai-sama. No tricks."

"No tricks." Satisfied, the jounin gave a yawn, "It's not one of those girl-problems guy are plagued with, is it?"

-----------

"_You are so shitting me_."

Iruka quickly ushered in the gaping jounin and shut the door of his apartment behind them. The red-eyed woman stared at him. "Oh my god. That is a _serious_ girl problem."

Iruka winced. "That is the problem."

"So Tsunade did her medical-magic thingy and combined you with your ex-enemy?"

"Hai."

"Talk about bad Karma." Kurenai pursed her lips, eying Iruka's new body, "Though that is one hot babe she made you into."

Iruka winced, "But Kurenai-san! I'm a guy! Up here!" He tapped his head, disconcerted when he felt the soft brown locks.

"I see that that can be a real problem." The jounin smirked, "Although I think Jiraiya-sama has hot fantasies about this sort of thing."

The chuunin groaned. "That is really not helping, Kurenai-san… this is a female body! I'm a guy! I can't go into the toilet and… and…" Iruka blushed a furious red. "I don't know what to do! I can't look!"

"Innocent aren't we?"

Iruka blushed furiously. "I'm not that innocent?"

"When was the last time you looked at a porn magazine?"

"I don't!"

"Had wet dreams about a cute female kunoichi?"

"No!" Horrified.

"Jerked off?"

Iruka covered his ears, face a furious shade of crimson.

Kurenai stated matter-of-factly, "Innocent." She gently peeled Iruka's fingers from the side of his head. "But, still, very cute all the same."

Iruka slumped, dejected. He moaned, "I can't go back to the Academy and teach like this! I can't go back to being same old Iruka! I don't know what to do!"

The jounin was silent as she stared at the distraught teacher. "I think, Iruka-chan, do you mind me calling you that?" Shake of head. "I think you need a mindset change."

"Huh?"

"You've got to face up to the fact that you're no longer a man. For the rest of your life. You are a _woman_! Try to assimilate that fact."

The chuunin closed his eyes, breathing in and out. He opened his eyes. "I… think I can manage that."

She patted the poor teacher on the shoulder, "Although I don't think people will go around thinking of you the same way again."

Iruka gave his first desperate moan of the morning.

"About never being the same old Iruka… Just tell everyone the truth. They'll take it in stride, believe me. They've seen weirder things before. Like Gai's green spandex."

There was a beat. "True."

"If they can get used to that, they can get used to _anything_."

There was a pensive pause.

Kurenai grinned wider. "Believe me."

Iruka stared at her earnest face and began to laugh. Then he laughed so hard that the tears beaded at the corner of his eyes. "Hey," said Kurenai testily, "It's not that funny."

Iruka wiped away his tears and smiled wryly. "No… it's not that. I was just thinking, if god wanted men to understand women, he would have made them women in the first place."

"I see you can appreciate the full irony of that."

"Yeah," said Umino Iruka, "I definitely can."

--------------

"Now look here, you can't just go around wearing the same old stuff you have in your cupboards."

"Umm… Ah… Why not? "

"It's not feminine! With a body like _that_ you should be wearing short skirts! Stilettos! Your scroll pouches in naughty places!" She smacked Iruka on a shapely bum, who gave a terrified _eep_!

Iruka scratched the scar on his nose nervously. "Um…Isn't stiletto a sort of pointy dagger?"

"High heels, Iruka-chan," Sighed the kunoichi, "High heels."

Kurenai rummaged through the contents of Iruka's sparse male wardrobe. "There's nothing here I can work with." She stood with her hands on her hips. "I guess I'll have to lend you a few things for the time being."

The two ninjas made their way to Kurenai's apartment, an old complex near the Academy grounds. Iruka made his way through a dozen costume changes before the jounin was satisfied, and by then the sun was already peeking above the horizon.

"Kurenai-san, if we don't hurry, we're going to be late for classes!" Iruka tapped a bare foot on the ground as the kunoichi rummaged through old boxes. Dressed in a black halter wrapped sensuously around his shapely top, Iruka rubbed his arms to keep warm in the cool temperature.

_I never realized that women had to wear so much less. Gosh! It's freezing in here!_ His hips were clad in a pair of tight leather shorts that masqueraded as a skirt. Iruka thanked his lucky stars that gone through sufficient espionage missions to become accustomed to disguises, though never as a woman. Well, maybe once, in Wave country, with disastrous effects.

But he hoped to live that one down, as soon as his Asuma-san stopped teasing him about it.

Kurenai pulled out a box triumphantly. "I haven't seen these since my genin days! They'll fit you just fine!"

"What'll fit me just fine?" Asked Iruka suspiciously, looking over her shoulder.

"_These_." Said the jounin, with an evil grin, pulling out a pair of jet-black, thigh-length crocodile skin boots.

"Oh no."

"Oh _yes_."

"Oh _no_."

"Oh _yes yes yes yes yes_."

"That should be illegal!"

"You can get away with it."

"The principal is not going to stand for it!"

"With these, he'll agree to anything!"

"But," Said Iruka helplessly, "I teach kids!"

"And you'll never have to worry about them misbehaving _ever_ again."

"Oh."

"You'll have all of them at your beck and call."

Iruka was almost swayed, he taught ten-year-old pre-ninja hellions. "Really?" he said faintly.

"Especially the boys." Just a bit more.

Iruka bit his lip. "Hand them to over." He stroked a wondering hand across the sleek black leather.

Kurenai grinned. "Really."

"But I have to protest against your sense of taste."

"C'mon, you know you love it…"

Iruka sighed. He slipped the boots on, feeling the warm leather cling snugly to his skin. He tried a few steps to get used to the height. "Hey, this is not so bad."

"Try walking like a woman." Commanded Kurenai. Iruka tried swinging his hips in the opposite direction to his steps, trying balance. He almost got it right until the resulting muscular confusion landed him in a tangle of limbs on the floor. He groaned, in pain and in embarrassment.

"Look, Iruka-chan, it's not like balancing a tightrope. Relax, try rolling your hips as you walk."

"Rolling my hips?" He looked down at the unfamiliarly wider hips and blushed.

"Just let the body figure it out. Just roll your hips, the body should automatically compensate with the swiveling."

"You mean like this?" He tried…rolling a hip forward, letting his shoulders shift to compensate for his balance.

"Yeah. Yeah! Just like that." He tried a few more steps. "That looks pretty good. I think it'll have to do, since you have to get to class in ten."

"Now, one last thing." Said Kurenai as she led the sensei by the hand to the dressing table. "We need to cover up that scar of yours."

"You mean the one on my nose?"

"A woman should not have scars on her face."

"But I don't mind it there." Protested Iruka.

The look on Kurenai's face shut him up. He said in a small voice, "Okay. Kurenai-san."

The chuunin shut his eyes tightly as the kunoichi brushed on foundation gently, so lightly that Iruka had to resist the urge to sneeze. "We have to cover it up with makeup so that it doesn't show." A few more touches, she stood back, satisfied with her work. She placed both hands on Iruka's shoulders. "Open you eyes, Iruka-sensei."

Looking in the mirror, Iruka gasped, astonished to see a stunningly beautiful young woman, features unrecognizable as the plain young man that once existed. He raised a hand to this face in wonder, watching his reflection do the same. "Wow…I can't believe that that is me."

"It _is_ you. It's the brand new Umino Iruka. Female version. Complete and whole, with upgrades." Kurenai grinned.

"But…" He looked in wonder at his reflection. "She's too beautiful to be me."

The jounin smiled warmly. "Then you deserve to be her."

She patted the schoolteacher on the shoulder. "Welcome back, Iruka-sensei. Welcome back."

Author's note: I have… to resist the urge… to write more. Not because I'm a cruel fiend that lets readers writhe at the sight of the end of the chapter (well, not really.) but because harping too much on one thing can really spoil the story. So I'm trying to rein in the descriptive fever, till I get the hang of it. Insert Smiley here, since this site eats them all.


	3. Chapter 3

**Come Come Kakashi!**

Author's notes: Skip the author's notes, I beg of you. ( I bet you don't get that very often, no? Smirks)

**Chapter 3: All the Little Children**

Kakashi held the monthly edition of Icha Icha like a precious treasure close to his face.

"_Shinobi-san," said the beautiful girl, her brown eyes like the limpid pools in paradise, "I apologise for my behavior towards you…that night."_

_Kokoro, stood at the windowsill, a pure white lily clutched to his chest, his treasure from this pure nymph. "..Iie, it was me. I was at fault." He turned his head away in shame, "I should not have startled you, nay I should not have even come into your boudoir!"_

_His haite-ite reflected the moonlight. The girl gasped as she saw the feared symbol. Concerned, the ninja moved closer, only to have her shy away from his comforting touch. _

_He said tenderly in his husky baritone, "What is the matter, milady? I'm truly sorry if I scared you…" _

"_I'm sorry! I… I cannot see you anymore!"_

_Her very words seared into his cold heart, as much as it killed her inside to say them. "Please… Leave me and…"She gulped, "and never come here again."_

"_Why?" The great shinobi's voice was raw with emotion._

"_For both our sakes! Please!" The beautiful girl looked desperate, pleading with her eyes. Kokoro's battered heart could take no more. She held so much sway over him, every lowering of her gorgeous lashes, every flash of those bright eyes. Her lips trembled. "…please…"_

_It was White Fire Dragon who replied coldly as he pulled up his mask. "I see." He turned abruptly to leave._

"_Minnow." Said his last love. He froze. His heart died a little more as he heard the anguish in her voice. "My name is Minnow." He turned his frightening mask to her, looking back. Her face was turned to the side, a silken waterfall of hair hiding her. Crystal tears fell to the tatami mat, staining it with a precious darkness. "That is my last gift to you."_

"_Minnow…"_

"_Go!"_

_The ethereal beauty called Minnow watched as the Legendary Shinobi vanished into the misty night, pain wrenching at her heart., knowing that she should not and could not love the enemy of her venerable father. She was filled with dread, as she knew, deep down inside, that she had already given him her –_

Kakashi gave an _oof_ of surprise as someone barreled into him. It startled him out his reverie, his precious book dropping from nerveless fingers.

Scowling under his mask, he looked down to see—

-- a vision of a goddess. It made his heart skip a painful beat.

It was _her_.

His destined love interest.

Not that he was complaining, of course. Not at all.

His breath hitched in his throat as the small form of the beauty flushed and bowed low, apologizing profusely. She bent down to pick up his book from the dusty street, clear gentle eyes full of self-reproach. "I'm so sorry, Kakashi-sama," pleaded a bell-like voice. "I wasn't looking where I was going, it was so clumsy of me!"

He tried to stop her from apologizing, saying dumbly, "Uh, no…Iie. It's alright."

The Academy bell chimed the morning bell, startling Kakashi. He didn't notice that he was right in front of the old edifice, with small children streaming past him into the gates.

She gave a small cry, "I'm late!" She gave him a quick bow before darting off in the direction of the school.

He clutched at his chest, staring open-mouthed as she hurried into the building, his eyes watching the last vestiges of her like a thirsty man in a desert. That startling pure face, the curvaceous form… and not to mention that _oooh!_ short leather skirt!

The thought of the sensuous legs encased by the black crocodile leather… Hatake Kakashi clasped a fist to his chest releasing a heartfelt sigh. Just _wowee_!

A voice behind him interrupted his reverie. "G'morning, Hatake,"

He turned. "Oh it's you, Kurenai." The woman smirked.

"I see you have just been struck by lightning."

"Excuse me?" Damn that woman, she came at the worst possible moment. Kakashi willed the blood away from his face. And his heart to stop pounding so.

"Well, you definitely liked it, because it's the only thing I have ever seen that caused you to put down this stupid book so fast."

He narrowed his eyes and gave a derisive snort. "It's none of your business." He turned to walk away when she stopped him in his tracks.

"Would you like to meet her?"

He spun back. The other jounin was already strolling in the opposite direction, hands behind her head. Striding after her, the silver-haired ninja cursed himself for his insatiable curiosity. "What do you mean, would I like to meet her?"

Kurenai continued walking straight ahead, ignoring the copy-nin. "Hm, I thought you weren't interested?" He blocked her path, silent.

Eying him coolly, she said, "She's a friend of mine. A pretty good friend, actually."

"Who is she?"

" So you admit you want to know." She smirked. Kakashi merely looked at her expressionlessly. She sidestepped him, continuing on her way. "The great Copy-nin, Sharigan Kakashi, is interested in _someone_. Asuma _has_ to hear this."

He cursed silently under his breath, damning himself for letting one of the greatest gossips in Konoha get the better of him. No one got the better Hatake Kakashi!

"I can see it in your eyes. You like her."

The ninja was silent. Damn! Was he that transparent?

"Let me give you a break," said Kurenai conversationally, "I'll give you a few facts so you can get a leg up. She's a school teacher. She likes kids, especially that Naruto brat. I think she likes Ramen, but I can't be sure on that one. And oh, yes, she's an Umino."

"Umino?"

"Umino." There was a thoughtful pause.

"What's the rest of her name?"

"That," said the kunoichi slyly, "is for you to find out. Why don't you go ask her?"

Kakashi scratched the back of he head, Umino…Umino… Wait, that sounded familiar. "Isn't she related to Umino Iruka, Naruto's sensei?"

Kurenai frozed, mentally cursing. She hadn't thought so far ahead. Yet. "I… think so. Female relative or something like that."

"Sister?"

"Maybe."

"I thought she was a good friend of yours."

"Women bond fast. I met her recently. Um… in a bar. Yeah." Kurenai hoped that she wasn't stretching it.

"So I suppose I shouldn't raise the point of Iruka-sensei's death around her, no?"

"Wait… Hold on a sec, Iruka-sensei… is dead?"

The silver-haired jounin gave her an old look which said _which-planet-have-you-been-living-on?_

"S-Strange, she didn't tell me that! How did you find out?"

Kakashi's mind went back to _that_ night. His visible eye curved brightly. "I have my sources."

"Oh… Let me talk to her first. She… um… may still be in mourning for him, then." The Copy-nin gave her a suspicious look. She waved him off, "I have got to go! See you around!"

Kakashi rubbed his masked face thoughtfully. Well, that was interesting.

Iruka stopped in front of the classroom door. He could hear the little brats already making a racket. What little nerve he had coming to school in this getup wilted like a plant under full sun. He gulped and cast a henge of his former self.

When he stepped into the classroom, the place went dead quiet. Iruka gave a nervous grin, and said all-too-brightly, "G-Good morning everyone!"

There was still silence as he set his books down on his desk.

"Iruka-sensei?" said a small voice from the front row. "Aren't you dead?"

"Um, no, Ayumi-chan, well, as you can see, not really,"

Another voice piped up from the back, "My dad said that there was no one left from the team that you were in!"

"Ne, ne, Sensei! Are you a ghost?" Thirty suspicious little minds drank in this revelation.

Well, it was now or never. Iruka clenched his teeth. "Well, I was going to explain why I am still standing here, alive and well, instead of haunting all of you for the assignment on weapon maintenance that was _due last week!_" The last part was said with said with his usual Umino-ballistics. The children relaxed. If it was threats, they could understand threats. It was Iruka-sensei alright. There was a squeal as Iruka was mobbed by a class full ten-year-olds.

"Sensei! How did you survive the attack? Tell me!"

"Sensei! I didn't like the new sensei that came in!"

"Sensei," wibbled one, teary-eyed, "I'm sorry I didn't do my assignment!"

There was an endless barrage of questions as Iruka chuckled at the attention. "Hey! If you would give me a chance to explain, I would!" The mini-mob noise died down into murmurs.

Iruka scratched the back of his head nervously, "Well, you see, I was injured very badly in the attack by this group of sound nin, you see. And…um...my team, team Miu, most of the members were wiped out…"

There was a solemn silence. Chari-chan slipped her small hand into his large one. Iruka smiled at her support.

"…So I was the last one, and there was this kunoichi, a jounin, which was the last in her team…"

"Yeah! Iruka-sensei, we Konoha nin give as good as we get!" A dozen voices hushed the speaker.

"… and she was using Chakra torching. Do you all know what Charkra torching is?" Shakes of heads. "Well, it's a ninjutsu technique that allows the user to set anything that has charkra in it on fire, so it's like making a human torch, except the person can't put the fire out, you see." There was a horrified silence as Chari-chan began to cry.

"And well, she caught me with it and—"

_I really thought I was going to die. In fact, I really wanted to die right there and then, clawing at the leaf litter. Screaming in agony, feeling your eyes burning out, your lungs on fire, your skin _cooking_ like so much meat, so much pain until all, all you feel is heat. And then my charkra pathways caught fire and I _knew_ what hell was, then, as the flames invaded because you can feel yourself scorching incandescent, indescribable pain as it rips right through you and all I wanted to do was to lie down and die. Just die and make it all go away._

He smiled weakly as his hands trembled at the memory. "—Just don't get caught with it, I can tell you that."

"Yeah..." He swallowed at the memory, " but then I thought of all of you. And then I realized if I didn't stop her, she would have escaped with the info on our village. And that means," Iruka rubbed Chari's hair as she tried to stop sniffling. "They could come back and hurt everyone." He tried to smile. "So you see, that is what a ninja has to do. He has to complete his mission so that he can… protect the ones he cares for."

Iruka cleared his throat. Damn his eyes, watering up like that. Damn summer allergies. "Well, I managed to defeat her with a Shadow Shuriken, caught her when she wasn't looking." The boys cheered, whooping. "So here I am."

He coughed again to get their attention. "Well, there is something else I have to tell you as well… My body was too damaged in the attack, so…um, Godaime-sama had to carry out a special type of surgery…" He looked down at his toes. "Well, that means that I'm not really using my body right now."

"But, Iruka-sensei, you still look like _you_." Someone pointed out.

"That's because you all didn't notice I was using Henge!" Iruka managed cheekily. "I'm gone for a week and your detection abilities drop just like that! Maybe I should give you all more field training, hmm?" There was a chorus of denials, species ranging from the _no-way-I-caught-it-right-away-s _and the rarer _oops_.

"Well, then. I look like this now." Iruka held his breath and plunged into the metaphorical pile of shit. "_Kai!_" When the smoke cleared, there was no screams of fear, no declaration of Armageddon and most importantly, no mad stampede for the exit. In fact, there was no sound at all.

Iruka dared to open an eye. He found the entire class staring at him. Puzzled, he waved a small, dainty hand. "Er, hi. I'm still here."

"Iruka-sensei?" breathed a small boy, blushing a lobster-red.

"Hai?"

"_You mean that the Hokage turned you into a total, hot babe_!"

"_NO FREAKING WAY!_"

"_Sex change operation! Yeah!_"

"_Whoo HOO! We got a hot one for our sensei!_"

Konohamaru launched himself at Iruka, who caught him awkwardly, "Iruka-sensei! You're my favourite teacher now!" Surprised, Iruka looked down.

"Really?"

The boy drooled as he rubbed his face dreamily against his generous bosom, "_Really_, really."

Iruka's face flamed as gave the boy the most powerful uppercut he could master. And Umino Iruka was no slouch at taijutsu. "KONOHAMARU! YOU SICK LITTLE PERVERT!" yelled one Umino, at the new skylight.


	4. Chapter 4

**Come Come Kakashi!**

**Chapter 4: Oh! The Horror of Love!**

(Wait. That sounded like Gai-sensei there. Commits seppuku.)

Author's notes: It's 4am. I am hallucinating. I keep seeing things out of the corners of my eyes and I'm too tired to be jumpy anymore. Anyway, if anything wanted to eat me, I hope it chokes.

When Kurenai promised that the class would obey his very whim (if he wore those crocodile skin, knee length boots that he generally reserved for members of the female species who wore six inches of string and four square inches of fabric and whose work consisted of spinning upside down on a pole.) He didn't think that they would do so, so _literally_.

And Kurenai didn't promise anything about them being _too_ obedient.

Five minutes into class, there was a scuffle at the back over _Who liked Iruka-sensei the best._ Iruka thought it was sweet, even as his inner self thought it was uncomfortably homosexual.

And then there was the utter silence and dedication when they wrote the essay "What I Did Last Week". Unnerving silence from children who considered _quiet_ as _twenty decibels outside human hearing_. And when he set another, "The Acceleration and maneuverability of 3-pointed Shuriken as compared to the 4-pointed", just to make sure it wasn't a hallucinogenic side effect from the Combination no jutsu, they took it without even a whimper.

And then there were the flowers from the girls during lunch break. And all manner of wildlife (terrorized and ribbon-ed), road kill and interesting knickknacks that boys found fascinating enough to show their teacher. Who discreetly released, disposed of and returned them respectively.

And the boys, oh yes the boys, who generally made life a living hell, simply sat there and stared. One even copied down his words _ad verbatim_.

It was downright frightening.

When he tried mentioning this to his best friends and co-workers later on, in the teacher's lounge, they didn't say anything. Instead they stared, making Iruka feel extremely uncomfortable. When he finally left the room, Raido whispered to his best friend Gemna, "Cor, did you see those legs?"

"Oh yeah, but who was the hot new teacher?" Murmured Gemna. Strange of her to come and talk to both of them like that.

Feeling dejected and rather confused, Iruka made his way out of the Academy, where he was promptly seized and carried off by a panicked Kurenai.

"Kurenai-san," Squeaked Iruka as they sped across the rooftops.

"Yes?" said the jounin, irritably, as she gave a burst of speed.

"Please let go of my collar, so I can …bre..eathe…"

"Oops. Sorry." They stopped for breath outside a tea house. Once inside, they settled at a private little corner, Kurenai's eyes darting furtively.

"What's going on, Kurenai-san?" asked a worried Iruka.

The jounin leaned forward. "Iruka-chan, how do you feel about having a man in love with you?"

"Honestly?"

She nodded.

"I think that that is absolutely _ga_—" The kunoichi clamped a hand over his mouth. Iruka's eyes widened. There was someone in love with him? A …man?

Seeing the realization in his eyes, Kurenai relaxed. "Ru-chan, you don't mind me calling you that?" Shake of head. "Remember what I said about digesting the fact that you are now _female_?"

Iruka sighed. "I know, but it just… seems so _wrong_. Who is it?"

"Who is what?"

"You know what I mean, who is it?" Resigned tone.

There was a nervous shuffle. "Someone."

Iruka made a strangled sound and shot her a smoldering look, "Look, Kurenai-_chan_, I have spent my entire morning shoving road kill off my desk and have seen a few things that ought to belong in horror flicks, so _please_ make my life easier for me."

"Iruka-chan, I am trying to spare you the horror and mortification and whatever possible brain damage that is going to result from me saying his name out loud!"

"I can't think of anyone that can horrify me—"

"Gai."

"_Oh my sainted aunt."_ All the colour drained out of his face. "Please tell me that isn't true."

"It isn't, but that's a horrifying thought."

There was a pensive silence as Iruka debated the wisdom of wringing a jounin's neck. He deflated, rubbing his temples. "I'm sorry, Kurenai-chan, you're trying so hard to help me and I haven't even tried being grateful…"

"Excuse me, do you mind if I join you?" The two froze. Kakashi towered over the table. Iruka's newly activated female sense pinged. Kakashi seemed…much… bigger than he used to be.

Reflexive courtesy cut in and Iruka suddenly shot to his feet and bowed deeply, "Kakashi-sama, about this morning, I'm sorry—" Kakashi raised a hand, waving it off."

"Maa, it's nothing to worry about. Can I sit?"

Iruka nodded, much to Kurenai's horror. Kakashi blissfully squeezed beside the gorgeous young woman. Making eye contact with Kurenai, who was trying to give off telepathic signals, Iruka finally caught the message.

It was _Hatake Kakashi_.

Iruka stiffened.

There was ice in his spine. His rigid fingers squeezed convulsively around the steaming teacup. He didn't feel the pain. Instead, all he could think of was: _Prey…tiger. Big carnivorous animal. Slab of meat. I am going to be _eaten

"Ah, Kurenai-san was intending to introduce both of us this morning, weren't you?" Kakashi beamed over his mask. Kurenai gave him a weak smile.

"Ah… Kakashi… Hatake Kakashi this is …um….Umino-mino…um"

Kakashi raised an eyebrow. "Umino…Minnow?" Iruka opened his mouth to correct him, but Kurenai shot him a _look_. He closed his mouth.

"Minnow-chan, this is Hatake Kakashi."

"The Sharingan Kakashi."

Iruka was feeling a bit overwhelmed. "_Oh._" He said breathlessly, with the leadened feeling that the world _had_ to be ending and this was a delusion. He held out a shaking hand, "Nice to meet you Hatake-sama."

Kakashi sensually pressed his masked, but still impossibly warm, lips to the pale, small hand. "The pleasure is all _mine_, Minnow-san."

Iruka had an expression of utter terror on his face. Kurenai winced in sympathy.

Iruka was this close to _totally freaking out_. His mental self was wailing, screaming and rampaging. He considered channeling chakra to his fist, so he could bust out the wall on his side and make his escape. He also considered migrating to Sand country and becoming a missing-nin. But then, it wouldn't solve matters. He gave a resigned sigh.

There are some things a man had to do. And running away from this wasn't an option. But he wasn't a man anymore, so he still had the option. Wait. Did he? He cursed mentally.

"Well," The silver-haired jounin towered over Iruka, his eye twinkling. "I was wondering it you were free tonight? For dinner?" Iruka looked up into his face, wondering, _when did Kakashi get so tall?_ He looked at the kunoichi helplessly.

Kurenai mouthed the word _no_ and shook her head imperceptibly.

"I…ah… I'm sorry Kakashi-sama, I'm afraid I cannot."

"How about any other night?"

Kurenai smoothly interjected, "Ah, Kakashi, Minnow here is still in mourning for her brother, she… ah…"

"Oh, I apologise, Minnow-san, I did not understand. You have my deepest sympathies."

Iruka shot Kurenai a suspicious look that said: _What the hell is going on? Why am I allegedly dead? What kind of name is Umino Minnow? Did you do all this?_

Kurenai's eyes said: _I'm sorry, I'll explain it all later!_

Kakashi, oblivious to the visual exchange, stood up to go, "Well, if you need any cheering up, feel free to call me anytime, Minnow-san. I'll take my leave now."

As he left, the two women waved, a bit shell-shocked.

As Kakashi left the tea house, his heart burned.

He was sitting right next to her. And that name! It had to be!

Minnow. Umino _Minnow_.

So Umino Iruka was her _brother_. She must be shattered at his death. It was tragic, really.

So much like a good romance novel. He wondered how Jiraiya-sama knew these things. He pulled out Make Out Tactics from his back pocket and consulted the first page. He read:

**In order to meet the girl of your dreams, take action! Women like men who are bold and daring. They like to be treated like ladies so remember your manners! Impress them by doing the following:**

**Introduce yourself suavely, putting in as many titles as you can.**

_Damn_, thought Kakashi, _I only put in "Sharingan Kakashi". Forgot about "Master of a Thousand Jutsu", "Legendary Copy-nin" and "Ultimate Purveyor of Icha Icha". Oh well, there's always the next time._

**Kiss her hand, lingering briefly so that she may feel the warmth of your lips against her skin.**

_Check. Did that, in a way. Does having a mask over your lips count? I think she liked it._

**Ask her whether she has time tonight.**

Kakashi sighed. That was where the problem was. _Minnow-san_, he felt a thrill at the name, was still grieved about her brother's death. He mentally cursed at Umino Iruka for dying and immediately retracted the thought. It was not good to swear at the memory of his beloved's sibling. His eyes flicked to the bottom of the page:

**If you are unable to proceed in the above order or have come up against a problem, please refer to the Index for a list of situations and how to overcome them.**

Kakashi hurriedly flipped to the back of the book, absently avoiding walking into people. Index, index… where was it? Ah, there. He opened the book wide and ran a finger down a list of questions:

**Is the lady in question…**

**Sick? ……………………………………………………………………...(pg 23)**

**Has no time for losers like you?...(pg 24)**

**Has a bloodline limit that causes her to drink **

**the blood of ten male virgins every full moon? **

Kakashi raised an eyebrow at that one.**)………………………………….(pg 74)**

**Swearing vengeance against your clan for killing a close relative?...(pg 48)**

**Married or attached?...(pg 234)**

**Shy? And painfully powerful?...(pg 27-54)**

**Afraid of ninja because of a traumatic past experience?...(pg 42)**

**Still in mourning for the death of a loved one?...(pg 234)**

Kakashi tapped a finger on the last one. Yes, this was the one. He smiled as he read the solution to his problems.

Gemna and Raidou were surprised when two kunoichi stepped out of a tea house, looks of horror on their faces. Gemna nudged his friend, "Hey, isn't that the new sensei that was talking to us earlier?"

"Yeah, it's her alright. Let go over to say hello." Raidou tried to make his way forward, but Gemna had a firm grip on the back of his shirt. Raido whispered fiercely,"_What do you think you're doing_?"

"_Hey, we both saw her at the same time, so we both go and say hello!"_

"_Stingy!_" Their hushed argument was interrupted when Iruka spotted the both of them, his best friends. Oh precious solace!

He ran up to the surprised duo and flung his arms around their necks, wailing, "Gemna! Raidou! Thank god both of you are here! I was almost eaten alive by Kakashi!"

Gemna stiffened, he growled, "What? _Hatake Kakashi_? He tried something?"

Iruka's voice dropped down to a whisper. "…he kissed my hand…"

"The fiend!" Yelled Raidou, horrified as though someone had stolen Iruka's virtue.

"…and asked me out…"

"That lecher! What did you say, sensei?" Gemn patted Iruka on the back, comfortingly.

"I said NO of course! Oh god, he looked like he was going to _eat_ me!" Gemna looked at Raido, who thought the same thing:

_Hatake Kakashi got one up on the both of us. I say we go find a certain jounin._

Raidou cracked his gloved knuckles threateningly. Vengeful fire burned in both their eyes. Nobody gets ahead of Gemna _and_ Raidou. Gemna looked Iruka solemnly in the eyes, "Don't worry sensei, we'll get him for you."

Iruka's eyes went round, "Get him? What do you mean, get him?"

"Don't worry sensei," called Raidou as the duo stalked off, leaving Iruka behind, "We'll take care of everything!"

Iruka waved dazedly at the two took off across the rooftops. That was strange. But it was nice to know that he had two best friends who took good care of him.

Kurenai stood beside Iruka, her expression querulous. "Was that Gemna and Raidou?"

"Uh huh."

"Did they know about you and the Combination no jutsu?"

"Well, I was talking to them in the teacher's lounge earlier…" The image of two familiar, confused faces came into Iruka's mind. There was a click as terrible thoughts connected. "And…I didn't tell them…at all." His expression turned into one of horrified revelation.

"Oh _no_."

Kurenai buried her face in a palm and groaned, "And those two are off to find Kakashi? Iruka, you've just sicced Konoha's _Twin Engines of Destruction_ on _Sharingan Kakashi_?"

Iruka belatedly remembered Gemna and Raido's fearsome reputations.

"_Oh my sainted pants_."

Author's notes: Gemna and Raidou being called the _Twin Engines of Destruction_ just sounded too good to pass up. They might have been a pair of great pranksters (along with Iruka) with a name like that. Poor Kakashi though. (snorts)

Just couldn't resist the thought of kids being so stunned by the new Iruka that they are totally obedient. Forgive me there.

Oh yeah, and Iruka's peculiar way of cursing? They're Willy Wonka's lines from the Children's book _Charlie and the Chocolate Factory_ by Roald Dahl. He is fabulous, I swear.

Frick I'm tired. And I'm so dead. Farewell world. And goodnight.


	5. Chapter 5

**Come Come Kakashi!**

**Chapter 5: Taming of the Fox**

Author's notes: I have forgotten how fun it is to write fanfics. Ah well, nothing much to say, except that I would like to give a JOLLY GREAT THANKS to everyone who commented so far, and that I will try to keep the fic as reasonably logical as possible. For a given value of logic. On to the story!

(P.s. it's not going the way I would like it to, quite similar to a cart careening down mountain path. It seems to steer itself. But then, this way is pretty much more fun. Maybe I can squeeze a bit of plot in. Somewhere.)

"Naruto!" Yelled Konohamaru as he galloped down the path to the river. "You won't believe this!"

A pale Naruto stared blankly at the flowing water as he sat on the bank. He didn't want to think of anything anymore. "Go away, Konohamaru." Murmured a voice desperately devoid of its usual sunshine. "Just go."

"He's alive, Naruto, Iruka-sensei just came to class!" Blue eyes widened in disbelief.

"Alive?" Repeated the blond, dumbly. The other boy nodded vigorously. Naruto scrambled to his feet and took off toward the village at breakneck speed.

"Heee-ey! And he has a nice set of boobs!" Yelled Konohamaru, at a figure already out of earshot.

"Iruka, there's only one way to stop three jealous men from getting into a brawl over a beautiful woman."

Kurenai and Iruka sped along the streets in pursuit of the duo, Gemna and Raidou. Iruka looked at her.

"Okay, maybe there's more than one way. You could strip naked in front of all three of them."

"_NO!_"

"That'll stop a train for sure."

"I'm _not_ going to _strip_!"

"Or you can Henge into a jealous brother."

"But you just told Kakashi I was dead!"

"Oh yes. Forgot about that." Kurenai dodged a vegetable stand. "It's either that or have half of Konoha destroyed by three powerful nins brawling with their trademark ninjutsu, you choose."

Iruka groaned. "Why do I seem to get into even more trouble with you around?"

"Hey, hey, blame your own dumb luck! How the hell did you manage to get Kakashi on your case? He's practically asexual! He's virtually capable of self-propagating with all that porn of his!"

Iruka cringed, "I don't think people have kids that way, Kurenai-chan."

"It's tragic! There are about a few hundred kunoichi in this village and these three idiots take notice of the only one that's been female for seventy-two hours!"

Iruka was about to reply when a blond boy crashed into his side, throwing both of them to the ground. Kurenai yelled, "Watch where the hell you're going, kid!" Naruto picked himself up and gave them a brief look before dashing off.

Iruka scrambled to his feet, staring after the boy. Oh no, he was so busy with all the dressing up that he had forgotten to tell Naruto! The look on Naruto's face had been one of determined hope, as though searching for something. Or someone. Iruka took off in the boy's direction, leaving behind a staring Kurenai.

"Iruka!" yelled the jounin, "Where are you going! We need to save the village from certain destruction!"

Gemna and Raido spotted their target on the ground, strolling with his face in a book. They narrowed their eyes.

Kakashi froze as he felt murderous Ki from behind him. He spun as he whipped out a kunai, deflecting the ten shurikens in a smooth sweep of his arm. The two nin landed in front of him, falling into battle stances. Gemna's senbon flicked to the left side of his mouth like a metallic grin.

"What is the meaning of this?" Demanded Kakashi.

" You have commited a serious crime, Hatake." Smirked Raidou as he circled round. Kakashi eyed him warily.

"Can't we settle this like civilized people? I don't even know what I did!"

Raidou gave a yell as he launched a physical attack faster than the eye could see, limbs coming down on Kakashi's defense blow by deadly blow, "After what you did, this _is_ civilized!"

The silver-haired nin languidly dodged the spray of senbons from Gemna's direction, expression worried. Gemna cursed and flipped overhead as Kakashi's blow shattered the ground under him.

"What did I do?"

"You fiend from the deepest pit of hell!"

"What did I do?"

"You stealer of women's virtues! You cheat, you argh, over-prepared overachiever!"

"_What did I do!_"

Naruto felt his arm being grabbed from behind. He spun. A young kunoichi wrapped him a tight embrace, his face buried in her shoulder. Voice muffled in fabric, he tried pushing her away. She wouldn't budge.

"Naruto! I'm so sorry! I forgot to tell you!" She whispered into his blond hair.

"Huh? What do you mean? Look lady, thanks for the hug and all but I really need to find someone!"

"Naruto!" The note of urgency in her voice puzzled him. "It's _me_."

He pushed free from her embrace. "Huh?"

"It's me! I'm Iruka-sensei!"

"_What?_" The boy took a few steps back in astonishment. "You have got to be kidding me!"

"It's true! Tsunade-sama saved me with her jutsu! She put me into this body!"

"Sexy no jutsu!" A naked female burst into being, assets and all. Iruka turned a furious red and slammed a righteous fist onto the blond's skull.

"_NARUTO_! YOU IDIOT! WHAT DID YOU DO THAT FOR! DIDN'T I TELL YOU TO NEVER USE THAT JUTSU IN _PUBLIC_!"

There were tears of pain at the corners of the blue eyes, as Naruto switched back to his normal form, laughing. "But that's the only way I know that it's really Iruka-sensei!"

This halted Iruka's fist and his expression softened. "Naruto, you…argh, why do you manage to do such things in such obnoxious ways?"

The blond scratched his head and grinned, "Dunno." Turning serious, he looked Iruka up and down, "So it's really you, Iruka-sensei?"

"Yeah."

"Nice bod." Iruka turned red again. Naruto was possibly the only one who could understand his situation right now, with his Sexy no Jutsu and all that. There was a loud crash in the distance and the sensei's head whipped around in its direction. He leapt to the roof, with Naruto on his tail.

"We have got to stop a fight!"

"Eh? Who's fighting?"

"Kakashi-sensei, Gemna-san and Raidou-san!"

"Why in the world?" They dashed toward the source of the sound. Already they could see debris flying through the air from an unseen ground zero.

"Long story! I'll tell you later!

Eight Raidous flung chains of solid steel through the air, crisscrossing the trajectory of the dodging Kakashi. The copy-nin danced lightly on the chains as they shot past, eyes widening as one whipped around his ankle as fast as a rattlesnake, throwing him off balance. He flung seven kunai, pinning the links of the chains to the ground as he worked to pull off the one around his leg.

Gemna came darting in, spinning a lightning kick to his head, which Kakashi blocked with a forearm. He grinned. "I don't know what you're doing, but this is pretty fun, you know?"

Raidou gave him a vicious grin, "Glad to see that, Hatake-san." They had fought through several streets, creating a wide swathe of destruction. Owners of ravaged stalls sat in the sidelines cheering, curiously ignoring the loss of property. Their insurance policy was inclusive of random acts of destruction, essential in a ninja village like Konoha. It was a good show, anyways.

There was a roar as Kakashi and Gemna both backflipped spectacularly, weapons at the ready.

Kakashi motioned with his fingers, cocky: _Come and get me._

Gemna and Raidou charged him from both sides.

They didn't notice as two figures appeared through the crowd, one yelling "Stop! I said STOP!"

Naruto, seeing his sensei yell and wave his arms ineffectually, decided the only way to stop the fight was to do _this_.

He stood behind Iruka, eyes clenched shut, praying fervently that Iruka would find some way in his big, big heart to forgive him for this one sacrifice.

He pulled Iruka's shirt up.

Kurenai found Iruka in his apartment later on, hiding in a corner, clutching a bulky flak jacket to his form. His face was buried in the thick collar, revealing only his eyes.

"What are you doing with that jacket?"

The sensei's voice was slightly muffled. "Nothing."

"Come on, take it off. It looks like a throwback to Sandaime's era."

"I'm not going to take it off."

"I'll lend you something else to wear."

"No! I'm not going to wear any of your clothes again! I mean, I wore them and –and –and _THAT_ happened!"

Kurenai's sly grin spread across her face. "What _did_ happen, by the way?"

Iruka blushed furiously.

"Whatever it was, it was marvelously effective in stopping that fight."

Iruka managed to turn a shade redder.

Three nin lay on the dusty street as the crowd dispersed, feeling faint from blood loss. Naruto lay to one side, beaten black and blue, but with a stupid grin on his face. He gave a mad little chuckle, "Yay! Iruka-sensei!" And flipped over, still gibbering.

Kakashi was the first to sit up, and did so slowly. He groaned. Still stunned from what he just saw, he still had enough blood to blush a little. Did Minnow-san just do _that_? He turned to his right and smacked Gemna and Raidou on the foreheads.

"Guuuh." Moaned Gemna.

Kakashi weakly grabbed at the other man's collar. "You," he growled, "did not see that."

"Did too."

He shook the man again and said even louder. "Minnow-san is going to be _my_ girl. You didn't see _anything_."

"Hah! As if!" Kakashi smacked the man again. Harder. Gemna irritably flicked his hand away. "Stop that! Can't you see that I'm an invalid. I said _stop that_!"

There was a cough as Raidou raised himself on his elbows. "We haven't got you back yet, Hatake, for what you did to her."

"What I did to her? What the hell did I do?"

"She came to us, literally crying. What did _you_ do?"

"I just asked her out!"

"Huh. Really." Raidou struggled to get up. Kakashi rose to his feet and offered the man a hand.

Groaning, three nin leaned on each other as they made their way drunkenly to the Konoha Nin Hospital. Gemna smeared the blood from his nose with the back of a hand. "Huh. Women." The trio stumbled in a companionable silence. "We're not giving her up to you without a fight, Hatake."

"Would you like to discuss that with my fist?"

"Hah! I've got several senbons here with your name on them!"


End file.
